This Was Going to Be Epic...

The best of actors, a half-decent budget and good artistic agency. And yet, these films managed to falter at the cinematic altar. The biggest Bollywood letdowns of 2013.

There is a scene in Three Idiots, where Raju Rastogi explains to Pia Sahasrabuddhe how fate is giving her the chance to escape the prospect of marrying Mr Wrong: “Lekin aaj agar tum ne ye shaadi ki, toh phir zindagi bhar nahin bhoologi ke gaadi gate pai thi, hum log tumhe Rancho ke paas le ja rahe the, lekin sirf logo ke darr se tum ne is gadhe se shaadi kar li.” Pia Sahasrabuddhe took to her heels and found her happily ever after. Here are some instances from 2013 when filmmakers had it all, “gaadi gate pai thi”, but never recognised that incredible opportunity, whether from fear of breaking the tried-and-tested (albeit hackneyed) mould, not thinking the process through, personal vanity projects or a recent phenomenon— thinking it’s the 80s!

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Besharam

The film’s title could well become part of our lexicon, where Besharam implies X thinking their work is done having signed up a stellar cast, gotten a ‘reliable’ producer to back them and created a resume generating enough interest to ensure an eager audience. But as a wise man said, “picture abhi baaki hai, mere dost.” The only respite while waiting for the sweet embrace of death/end credits was Kapoor Sr pulling off a Badtameez Dil. Well, like they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings! True to style, the fat man (Rishi Kapoor) did manage to bellow some life into the movie at the close. A little too late, Chintuji!

Ek Thi Daayan

If you are spellbound at the prospect of a Bharadwaj, Balaji Films and Konkona Sen Sharma project, adding Kalki Koechlin, Huma Qureshi and Emran Hashmi to the concoction should have only resulted in magic on screen. So what happened? Did the spell break when the presenter introduced Bobo, the Baffler? Bobo, the Baffler, is introduced as India’s top magician. We, the viewer, have a ringside seat to his life, privy to the inner workings of the stage world, the assistant’s doubles, the code words, you name it. But for all of that, we never discover how Bobo managed to spirit away the scriptwriter. How someone who came up with the brilliant Unki aankho me shehnayia bajne lagi was hexed into penning an I’m A Tiger in Bed (and I roar) is the most mind-numbing trick of all! How did Bobo do it?

Aurangzeb

Akbar and his favourite grandchild Shah Jahan are revered as the patron saints of South Asia’s construction industry and its film world. The builder fraternity mints money recycling their floor plans; Mumbai’s film industry does it with scripts that borrow from their family politics. Aurangzeb, besides paying homage to Shah Jahan and his Deewar-esque progeny also had up its sleeves (from the same House of Salim-Javed) the Don card. However, it ruins the plot by manipulating further tweaks to the ‘formula’. Set in a city that is yet to bring down its mosquito population, half of the city’s police force shoots down the other half pretty quickly. Body count keeps on going up. Clichéd kahani mein twist rapidly following.

Ghanchakkar

It is really quite ironic that an audience that has been merciless about Vidya Balan’s sartorial sense and the soaring numbers on her weighing scales was so eagerly waiting for a movie where her USP is exactly that. Questionable fashion sense? Check. Unfashionable body size? Check. Ghanchakkar had a lot of things going for it: It’s a black comedy with quirky characters and starring fine actors. However, just like the suitcase-as-a-character in the film, the film stashes away all its goodies somewhere, never to recover them.

Phatta Poster Nikla Hero

RajKumar Santoshi always lives up to the versatile in his ‘versatile film director’ moniker. On paper, the film had Shahid Kapoor putting his heart and dancing shoes into a project that would get him back into the game, an Ileana D’Cruz we all looked forward to after her Barfi debut. With audiences expecting a repeat of the Andaz Apna Apna style of loony film capers (one that did quite well in its Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani outing), they only caught the odd good gag already there in the trailers, strung together with Ileana striking poses looking far off into the distance. Cue in sand dunes, crashing waves. What is it they call this genre? Yes. Music videos.

From the November 2013 issue of L’Officiel India.